Sunday, November 23


I wonder if someone could read a person's mind, would he be surprised by whatever he saw? Is your mind a separate entity from what your body does? Do you want to be doing something else, but just simply can't because of situational reasons? Or do you just lack the drive to push yourself out of your own inertia to be doing what your heart tells you to do?

We always say if we could read someone else's mind, life would be so much easier. But I guess it would be a disastrous world if anyone could really know what someone else really feels. A maskless reality. At the same time, things could potentially be so simple it becomes brainless.

Sometimes the things you think about might not really be what you actually want to fulfill, and it's a misconception to let yourself believe that what someone thinks is, really, what he wants. That thought could probably be a flash that likely dissipates just as fast. But what if it lingers? Is it a reflection of what he truly yearns for?

So what do you believe in? His actions or thoughts? Which one is the real one?

Posted by Isabelle at 3:51 pm

Wednesday, November 12


I rarely blog in the day, this happens to be one of the rare few times I'm doing that. Can't really concentrate on my notes right now. I think I'm just feeling miserable about myself though.

I had a very big scare last night. It was quite traumatic for me to be staring into a pool of blood mixed with urine in the toilet bowl. The blood kept coming, and I couldn't control my bladder. It was bad enough for me to panic and run to a doctor in the middle of the night. And bad enough to be still feeling paralysed about it right now.

I wonder why does it seem so difficult and so painful for me to get pass this critical period. All I need is another 14 days. I'm not even asking for much, just another 2 weeks.

Posted by Isabelle at 4:13 pm

Tuesday, November 11


It feels unexpectedly refreshing to be up during the wee hours of the morning. I think I'm at my optimal right now, but I'm thinking I need to sleep soon, if not I'll wake up later than I want it to be.

I'm counting down. Not surprisingly. Right now I have this single-minded target, which would be to get through this period of my life with minimal injuries. It gets quite hard to concentrate somewhere in the middle of the night, because that's the time when somehow your feelings start to simmer and you start to over-think about certain things, and there's certain emotional buildup. But other than that, I like studying at night, when everything is quiet and peaceful and you are just looking at your notes.

It's pretty cool, but it can be lonely.

Anyway.

Discounting the fact that I have to go through exams right now, I can't see myself doing anything else. I can even foresee my upcoming month to be packed with FYP stuff. I just calculated my GPA. I need a minimum of about 4.2 to maintain my grades, provided I can get at least a 4.5 next semester. It's getting so tiring. I'm seriously not bothered about my GPA, but there's just this something that's niggling at me to go for it, compounded by external factors too. I'm really tired of trying. This semester is tiring enough as it is without trying, but I'll leave the complaining aside. I'll just... "try my best".

So seriously, what does it mean by trying my best? Here I am, typing nonsense on this blog instead of putting some more effort in studying, so does it mean I'm not giving my absolute best? Where is the line that defines your "best"? I can honestly tell you I haven't felt so intense a pressure on me in all 3+ years of my uni life, and I'm really working my ass off for this coming exam, but I kind of lost the meaning in doing all this.

I know, I have to study hard --> get good grades --> get good job. That's always the surface ideal. Beyond these superficial reasons, I simply can't see it. Yet my body continues to tire itself out for something that I don't understand. Maybe in the near future I'll reap the efforts I sowed now, and then I'll give full appreciation for what I've done. But does that mean I have to slog so hard right now?

I'm really tired, and I'm scared of failing to achieve what I set out for even though I'd put in so much effort.

Posted by Isabelle at 5:20 am

Wednesday, November 5


Why does it feel as though everything is moving at fast speed right now, and that everything just passes by so quickly I can barely make out what they are. I had one of those moments in the shower thinking about what I need to do after the exams, and I realised I really need to start sorting out my house room to make space for my things when I move back. Then it hit me, the fact that I had barely less than half a year left of my uni days, and I don't think I know what I want to do in the immediate future.

I think I'm lost, and a little lonely, because I don't think a lot of people understand how I'm feeling. Maybe they do, but I still feel scared, because whatever it is, it boils down to my own decision, no matter how many people stands by that decision. For the first time in my life, I'm scared of facing the future, and that kind of feeling strongly contradicts my stand in looking forward.

It's weird, but everyone's moving forward, and I don't want to get left behind. I'm scared to be left behind.

Posted by Isabelle at 1:27 am